I suppose I’m pretentious on occasion. Take right now, for example. I’m on a train with my laptop out… writing. Is there anything more pretentious you can come up with? I’m afraid I can’t.
The dictionary defines it as ‘attempting to impress by affecting greater importance, talent, culture, etc., than is actually possessed.’
Sure, that makes sense. But who am I attempting to impress, exactly? All these people on the train, most of whom I may never see again, or myself? And if its the latter, does the impressing start or stop with myself?
It all boils down to that. Albeit I’m a firm believer in the power of introspection, that question makes me feel uneasy. Personal attacc.
I’m obviously attempting to impress someone. And now that I’ve come to terms with that, of sorts, I’m hoping it’s me I’m trying to impress. Anything else is too humiliating. A boy? A girl? Wait, am I trying to impress my parents? No. I hate all of these options. So, like any mature adult, I’m just not going to entertain such notions. Someone once said “Ignorance is bliss” and the entire world caught on so I’m allowed to ignore the possibilities I don’t like. It’s plain logic.
Myself. I’m trying to impress myself. This new concept, however, does not stop with me jotting my thoughts on a train. It seeps into every aspect of my life, and before I realize it, the floodgates have opened.
I say humorous things when I know they’ll be appreciated, and I make suggestions when I know they’ll be taken into account; my personality has evolved into a one-size-fits-all model. I’ve somehow always known what to say to whom.
That begs the question, if I’m impressing myself, why does my approach differ with each individual? And, if I’m not attempting to impress anyone, the same question applies- why does my approach vary from person to person?
I hate metaphorical double-edged swords; I’d rather have a real sword. Cut through all the bullshit.
The point of that interlude being, sometimes I feel phoney. I both despise and adore validation. So now I’m sitting here feeling pretentious, wondering who I’m trying to impress, and if it’s myself, why did I edit this thrice?
